Brain-based parenting

As we emerge from another school holiday, if you feel exhausted and burnt out, you are not alone. One of the most difficult parts of parenting is that it sometimes feels like a thankless job. No matter how much you do for your kids, they always want more, more, more… Sometimes it seems like they have a sociopathic level of focus on themselves and their needs! But rest assured, this is by design. It is the developing brain’s clever way of ensuring it gets what it needs and wants (in this case, hourly snacks??!).

PS If you have been missing my regular emails from your inbox, it’s because I burnt out. Next month my parenting community is learning how to prioritise themselves to maintain their health and energy for longer.

Back to those narcissistic kids…😝

Why are kids so self-centered?

At the core of brain-based parenting, is an understanding that kids aren’t inherently bad or selfish, their brains are designed to ensure their safety and well-being until they are developed and independent enough to do this for themselves.

The ability to control your attention, and the ability to regulate your emotions, are actually very closely related. Infants are mostly paying attention to their own feelings and sensations, their brains are trying to figure out why their body feels a certain way (hungry, cold, tired, wet?) and most of their ability to regulate their emotions comes from you. When they are upset and crying, it is you who rocks and soothes them until they feel better. The goal is to ensure they can understand their own feelings and emotions and find ways to soothe themselves*. In fact, the ability to self-regulate is associated with achievement in school, and measures of success in health, income, and relationships.

*It should be noted that often we hear the term “self-soothing” in terms of sleep training, but the age at which sleep training typically occurs (<1 year) is far too young for children to be expected to develop these strategies. Self-soothing in that context is actually an incorrect term for a child learning that their crying will not produce the natural response it should (ie attention from their caregiver).

What does the research say?

A classic study, by one of the most renowned researchers in the field, looked at children’s temperament, ability to voluntarily direct their attention and their ability to self-regulate from age 7 months to 7 years. At age 7 months, the orienting networks in the brain are primarily responsible for directing attention, but by age 4 the executive network is more active and dominant. In the early years, sensory stimulation will dominate attention, making it difficult for children to voluntarily direct their attention. By age 7, (typically) developing executive function will allow children to better control where they direct their attention (but it will still be a struggle).

What does this mean for my parenting?

 👀 Kids ability to control their attention is generally 👎🏽. When they are younger (<4 years old) it is dominated by external sensory stimuli - they will find it really difficult to control their attention or direct it easily. For example, if they are fixated on a screen, it is hard for them to pull their attention away from the sensory stimulation to listen to you, or follow your directions.

👀 If you want to see this in action- try staring or waving at your child while their attention is fixated on something (say watching TV or playing with a toy). An older child or adult, will immediately reorientate their attention to you. A younger child might take a long time to notice (if they do at all). So when you are shouting at them about not listening, know that they find it harder to change their focus of attention- instead of shouting, get in their eye line or talk straight into their ears.

🔔 Distraction only works in the short-term. Because young children have less control over their attention, you can distract them when they are experiencing negative emotions, for example- having a tantrum. BUT, because attention and self-regulation are closely related - if you distract them from negative emotions, they don’t learn how to self-regulate effectively. The solution is temporary. Think of how often we use distraction to manage our emotions… feel stressed- grab a glass of wine; feel sad, reach for comfort food. Instead of distraction, provide empathy and acknowledgment of your child’s pain or discomfort and give them ways to cope.

Welcome to the community! If you're new here, I am Dr Michele Veldsman, neuroscientist, tech entrepreneur and mum of 2 (age 4 and 7). 

I am on a mission to support parents with real, evidence and science-backed parenting advice. I want to make parenting less lonely and less overwhelming. 

What you can find in my parenting community: 

1. A fortnightly, evidence-based newsletter (you can catch old editions here: https://playroom.beehiiv.com/)

2. A guide to brain-based parenting here

3. Access to my parenting community for monthly support and on-demand expert guidance https://parents.playroom-app.com/