Before we get into it… an advisor told me not to bother with this newsletter, because it takes a lot of my time and the readership is still considered small (I think 360 of you is a lot!). But having gotten some amazing feedback recently (you know who you are!) I am inspired to keep going, because I know it genuinely helps people.

Here is my small ask… If you find this newsletter useful - forward it to one friend with kids under 8 so they can subscribe too. 

Anxious brains

How do you know if your child’s worries are just that, worries? Is that a normal fear of the dark that requires Las Vegas lighting levels in their bedroom at night? Is it a normal level of curiosity about sickness or death or should you be the one worrying about anxiety in your kids?

Anxiety can take many forms in childhood and adolescence, from social anxiety to separation anxiety, generalised anxiety to phobias, and the severity can vary greatly too. Some forms of anxiety are a normal reaction to stressful situations, for example, separation anxiety is normal when children are used to being with you and suddenly have to start nursery or school without you. But anxiety that persists well beyond the situation and significantly impacts day-to-day life, might be something to be concerned about.

For example, being anxious about leaving a parent for nursery, or school, is quite common. Anxiety before going to nursery or school, followed by tantrums and tears might be expected for a few days, as they adjust. If the anxiety carries on, with trouble sleeping, being alone, leaving the house, excessively worrying about a parent getting sick, or having physical symptoms like headaches and stomach aches, there may be signs of an anxiety disorder. For most diagnosed anxiety disorders, behaviours should be greater than would be expected for their age, and interfere with day-to-day life. If you don’t know what is normal, ask nursery workers or teachers who interact with your child (they have a better idea of what is normal for your child’s age). If no one sees your child regularly (for example they are cared for or schooled at home) speak to your GP.

What should I look out for?

Anxiety is one of the most common mental health issues to affect children and adolescents, so trust your instincts if you feel your child’s worries are excessive. Because anxiety is a very complex, children often don’t know how to express it. Some signs to look out for:

• Excessive worry: think of this as worry that is bigger than it should be for 1) their age 2) the situation 3) the time it goes on for. The worry might be over something specific (like being away from you) or more general (like worrying about every situation, no matter how small)

• Physical symptoms: just like for adults, anxiety can have physical effects such as a racing heart or disrupted gut. Headaches and stomach-aches are common complaints in kids. Sleep can also be disrupted, especially if the worry is around the dark or dying.

• Avoidance: avoidance is a very natural response to something that causes anxiety. Children might exaggerate illnesses or lie in an attempt to avoid situations.

• Clinginess: if you are a source of comfort for your child, they may be especially clingy when anxious particularly if the anxiety is social or separation-based.

• Acting out: tantrums or disruptive behaviour may be ways to get attention and attempt to handle more difficult and uncomfortable feelings.

What does this mean for my parenting?

Let’s start with what NOT to do (this works for most big or negative emotions)

Don’t eliminate, don’t deny

don’t avoid and don’t lie

1. Don’t eliminate

Remember that we always think of the developing brain as one that is trying to make predictions (and therefore make sense) about the world. When you are small and uncertain about how the world works, it is natural that a lot of things will be frightening. If we simply remove the thing that causes anxiety, that brain (and your child!) never learns that it has the capacity to overcome the anxiety, that it is just a passing feeling that we can learn to manage. Children need to be given the opportunity to face their anxieties and given tools to cope with their worries.

2. Don’t deny

This is a tricky one. Never deny their anxieties or fears. Done repeatedly, denying their anxieties or fears, teaches them not to trust their instincts or teaches them not to tell you their anxieties. Either is bad. You can validate their feelings (“I am sorry you feel anxious about going back to school”) without reinforcing anxiety (“it is scary going back to school”). And then give them some tools to manage. “Why don’t we plan something fun for after school, so you have something to look forward to”, “Try to focus on the fun part, like seeing your friends”. Be careful not to use leading questions “are you nervous about going to the party?” that might reinforce their anxieties, instead just ask how they are feeling, “how are you feeling about the party? Have you got everything ready for it?”

3. Don’t avoid

The easiest option for everyone is to avoid the situation, and that will work, in the short-term. But in the long-term, they will not learn how to manage anxiety, nor that their beliefs don’t always reflect reality. Their anxiety can only reduce if they have the opportunity to face the situations and see that they were ok, and that they could manage.

4. Don’t lie

As much as we want to say “everything will be ok”, we don’t know that it will be. Instead, give realistic expectations, answer any questions and tell your child you are confident they will be able to manage the situation. Give them ways to manage their anxiety. If you lie and tell them everything will be fine, they may feel like you don’t understand, aren’t listening or aren’t taking their concerns seriously.

Likewise, don’t hide your own anxieties, I always tell my daughter I am nervous to go back to work after the holidays, but I know the feeling won’t last long. Trying to pretend you don’t get anxious just makes it seem like it is an emotion they should not have. Instead model how to manage the uncomfortable emotions.

Resources

Join us at 1pm, January 27th for our first expert-led webinar “How to share the mental load” with Sam Kennedy Christian. The first workshop is open to all members

Sam is an executive coach and Fair Play Method facilitator. She founded The Float Space as a spa for the minds of professional mothers. She helps mums leading teams in charities, not-for-profits and the public sector to find more time in their week without paying for extra childcare, even if they work part-time, so they can excel at work and be a present parent, guilt-free.