Sharing is caring

Mums are still disproportionately holding the mental load and bearing that weight can lead to stress, anxiety and the development of chronic diseases. The mental load is insidious and never-ending because most of it is…

• Invisible, it is the endless list building up in your head, and all the preparation that is unseen

• Without boundaries, it doesn’t stop at 5pm, on weekends or during sleep (it is ever-present)

• Never-ending, your kids or ageing parents, or your housework doesn’t just stop

But the mental load can, and should, be shared. And thankfully there are methods to make this easier, improve communication in your relationship, prevent resentment and break cycles of gender-based expectations about who should hold these responsibilities.

What can you do about it?

The Fair Play method enables couples to share household, and childcare-related chores by articulating the conception, planning and execution of 100 common tasks, so that the mental load can be better split across partners. This week, Sam, a Fair Play facilitator, taught us the Fair Play methodology (catch her talk below)

How do I get started?

• First off, none of this is sponsored or paid- hit reply for a free digital copy of the cards)- I am sharing this because it is a useful method to bring more equality into our homes

• Fair Play is a system of 100 cards representing household and family tasks

• 60 cards for couples, 40 additional cards for parents

• Cards divided into 5 suits: Home, Out, Caregiving, Magic, and Wild

• 30 cards are “daily grinds” - ie highly repetitive tasks

• Essential “happiness trio” cards include: selfcare, adult friendships, and unicorn space

• Goal: Create equitable division of labour and reduce the mental load on the default parent

• It is not about a 50/50 split but about complete ownership of tasks

Card Ownership & Standards

• Complete ownership means handling all aspects:

  • Conception (emotional labour)

  • Planning (mental labour)

  • Execution (doing)

• Each card requires agreed “standards of care”

• Standards discussions should cover:

  • How would a reasonable person handle this?

  • Why is this important?

• You can outsource execution (e.g. cleaners) but the mental load remains - for example vetting people, interviewing, organising

• Cards can be re-dealt based on circumstances and regular check-ins help ensure everyone is on board and happy

Implementation Strategies

• Start with one card to test the system - I have started with meal cards!

• Regular check-ins are recommended (e.g. weekly, for 15 minutes)

• The best times for discussions are when it is relaxed and fun (not in the heated moments of things going wrong) for example:

  • Sunday evenings

  • Over takeaway meals

  • When emotion is low and cognition is high

• You can split cards by children if you have multiple kids

• You should adapt the system during “wild card” periods (e.g a new job, illness, redundancy)

• Visual tracking systems work well (pop the cards on the fridge, or make a to do list)

Making It Work

• Customise the deck to family needs and your current situation (eg when you have a new baby you might want to let some things slip)

• Address resistance in a partner by focusing on mutual benefits (dedicated free time)

• Standards can be adjusted during challenging periods (you don’t need to make freshly cooked meals every day if work is demanding or no-one is sleeping)

• Regular re-dealing of cards and check-ins ensure the system remains relevant changing needs and growing families

• You can chunk larger cards (e.g. cleaning) into smaller tasks and divide those

If you found this helpful, I encourage you to hit reply so I can send you a digital deck, or start with one simple task to talk to your partner about holding. Perhaps it is organising the kids school lunch- they would hold the responsibility of checking what is needed, what the kids like, making the shopping list, gathering all the ingredients and making the lunches. You can agree standards, like: " lunch must include two pieces of fruit and a vegetable”.

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