Brain-based parenting

When my son was three he pointed excitedly at the TV and shouted “fucking dolphins”. This became a running joke our house, because it was the first time we heard him swear. He had imitated the word he heard coming from our potty mouths and said it with the complete innocence that only a three-year-old could.

Swearing is actually fascinating from a brain perspective, because swear words are processed in a different way to regular language. It is more emotive, and more powerful, and as a result it is processed differently in the brain. A large part of the fascination for children is the fact that swear words are considered naughty and taboo- this actually imbues them with much more fascination for children.

Register now for Better Parenting in 3 mins per day for 30 days. Everything you need to support your parenting, based on science. (50% off for the first 50 registered (no credit card or payment required upfront)

What does the research say?

While regular, neutral, language involves very well-defined language networks in the brain, when we produce or listen to swear words, we engage additional brain regions associated with emotion (limbic system), automatic behaviour and cognitive control (prefrontal cortex). These additional brain regions might explain how we use swear words - in an automatic way- often related to pain (like when you stub your toe)- or more deliberately when in a heated argument that is highly emotive.

Crucially, the need for cognitive control from the prefrontal cortex explains why kids have a harder time suppressing the urge to swear. It is no coincidence, that when adults sustain damage to their frontal lobes, or develop degeneration of those regions due to dementia-related diseases, they might swear inappropriately as a result.

Interestingly, in an fMRI study involving bilingual individuals, different patterns of activity are seen (in the fusifrom gyrus) when processing swear words in their native versus a learned language, which suggests that linguistic experience and emotional connection to the language modulate neural processing (in other words, context is important!)

What did they find?

If you swear when you experience a sudden pain, it might actually reduce your experience of that pain. And the less you swear in everyday, the more the pain is reduced when you do swear. The act of swearing might be inducing a stress response that helps your body manage pain.

Measuring the bodies response to swearing (such as heart-rate and sweating) shows that swearing can also act as a cathartic response to high emotion. Of course, there are much more effective ways to emotionally regulate- particularly for children(!!)

What does this mean for my parenting?

Children may swear for lots of reasons, and many of them are not a cause for concern. The developmental progression runs in parallel with a child's cognitive, social, and emotional growth. _{Note - ages are broadly indicative; there is large variation between children.}

Age 2-4 

Children are rapidly acquiring language at this age - they are actively exploring sounds and imitating. If saying the word elicits a strong response (whether positive or negative) it will start to reinforce the word as special.

Children may repeat these words without fully comprehending their social inappropriateness or offensive connotations.  

Ages 4-7

As children develop a greater sense of autonomy and begin to understand social rules, they may use swear words to test the limits of acceptable behavior. This is a way for them to explore social norms, understand consequences, and gauge adult reactions to their assertion of independence.  

Ages 7-9

Social factors are becoming increasingly prominent motivations for swearing. They might swear to fit in with a particular peer group, to appear "cool," tough, or more mature, or to bond with friends who also use the words. Swearing can also be used to add shock value to storytelling, to be humorous, or as a way to assert independence from adult norms and expectations.

Swearing can serve as a powerful outlet for children to express intense emotions such as frustration, anger, pain, excitement, or fear. This is particularly true if they have not yet developed a more sophisticated emotional vocabulary or effective coping strategies to articulate these strong feelings in other ways. For some children, especially when feeling overwhelmed, swearing can feel like a necessary release or a coping mechanism to deal with difficult experiences.  

In some instances, children may use swear words as a tool to exert power over others, to appear tough, or as a form of verbal aggression in bullying situations.  This is obviously the situation we want to avoid the most. When we teach children about swearing it should always be in relation to how words have power, and directing swear words at someone is not right (apologise if you do this out of anger).

The basis of brain-based parenting is that when we know why children are doing something, we can take a more empathetic and measured response

Before reacting to a child's swearing, it is crucial to consider the underlying reason. Is your child imitating something they heard? Are they frustrated and lacking the words to express it? Are they seeking attention or testing a boundary?  

• A strong emotional reaction from an adult—such as anger, shock, or even laughter—can inadvertently reinforce the swearing behaviour. This is especially true if the child is swearing to gain attention or to test boundaries. Remaining calm models self-regulation and prevents the adult's reaction from becoming part of the "payoff" for the child.  

• Approaching your child with empathy involves acknowledging their feelings, even if their choice of words is inappropriate. An empathetic response helps build trust, keeps lines of communication open, and makes your child more receptive to guidance.  

• The primary aim should be to teach children more appropriate ways to express themselves, understand the social impact of their words, and develop emotional regulation skills. Punishment, while it might offer temporary suppression, often fails to teach these alternative skills and can have detrimental effects, such as increased anxiety, or people-pleasing behaviours.  

Practical tips

• Model appropriate language: If you have a sweary household, your kids are more likely to become sweary! Avoid double standards, such as claiming that certain words are "adult words", kids pick up on inconsistencies, especially when rules don’t make sense.  

• Have open conversations within the family about language use. Clearly communicate which words are considered unacceptable and explain the reasons why, using age-appropriate language.

• Ensure they are watching age-appropriate media: Common Sense Media can help you navigate this: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/ 

• Teach emotion regulation

• If it's clear your child is swearing out of anger, frustration, or another strong emotion, acknowledge and validate that feeling first. Once the emotion is acknowledged, then the conversation can shift to more appropriate ways to express that feeling.  

• Consequences should be logically related to the behaviour and aim to teach, not to punish.

  For example, if a child is swearing disrespectfully during a conversation, a natural consequence might be the parent calmly stating, "I don't want to continue talking when I'm being spoken to like that. Let's take a break and try again when we can both be respectful". This removes the "audience" for the swearing and models self-respect. If swearing is part of a larger refusal to cooperate, a brief "cool-down" period (time-out) might be for the overall dysregulation, with the language addressed separately through teaching once calm.  

Welcome to the community! If you're new here, I am Dr Michele Veldsman, neuroscientist, tech entrepreneur and mum of 2 (age 4 and 7). 

I am on a mission to support parents with real, evidence and science-backed parenting advice. I want to make parenting less lonely and less overwhelming. 

What you can find in my parenting community: 

1. A fortnightly, evidence-based newsletter (you can catch old editions here: https://playroom.beehiiv.com/)

2. Guides to brain-based parenting https://buildyourvillage.komi.io/