Brain-based parenting

Moan about your toddler, and a parent of teens will quip “wait until you have a teenager…”. Is it really that bad? Should we be preparing already? Perhaps you already have preteens or teenagers. Or a combination of toddlers and teens. Chances are there are teens in your life in some capacity whether it is your own adolescents, your nieces and nephews or even your babysitter. The earlier we learn about what is really going on in the brain’s of preteens and teenagers, the better we are able to relate to our own children’s development. Just like much of toddler behaviour can be decoded from their brain development, so teenage behaviour is rooted in the complex cognitive, emotional, sexual and social development.

What is a preteen?

Preteen typically refers to the years immediately preceding teenage years (around 10-13), although if you take it to include puberty or prepubescence it could start as early as 8. Given the wide variation between children, it’s difficult to pinpoint an exact age. Rather you can think of it as the age at which there are noticeable changes to mood, behaviour, managing emotion and physical appearance.

What should I prepare for?

This is a time of incredible change in the body and the brain. Changes to physical appearance such as rapid increases in height, or growth of body hair can (especially at a rate that is more noticeable than their peers) can lead to feelings of self-consciousness. Hormones, peer pressure and developing relationships can lead to strong emotions and high stress levels. A shift to more independence, and more reliance on their friends opinions, than their parents opinions, can lead to lots of arguments in the house.

What does this mean for my parenting?

🫂 Work done now (whether you have a 4-year old, an 8-year old or a full-fledged teenager) pays dividends in the future. As children get older, their problems get more complicated, and more serious, as they become more independent. If you want teenagers who are honest in the future- you need to build real trust now. That means validating their emotions. Although it is tempting to tell them their problems are not as big as they imagine - their brains are telling them otherwise. If you don’t validate how they are feeling, they will simply stop telling you, or worse, they will learn to ignore their feelings.

👏 Praise effort over achievement As school becomes increasingly focused on achievement, and they are examined more frequently- you can secure their self-esteem by ensuring their self worth is not tied to their achievements. Instead of, “you got full marks, you are so intelligent”; try- “wow, that was tough, I saw how much work you put into that even when it was really difficult. I am so proud of how hard you worked ”.

😭 Their emotions are real. The things they feel are the end of the world, actually do feel like that to them. We might think it is something fickle and petty and we might want to use the opportunity to teach them some grand life lesson- but instead, we just need to listen. Be the safe space they can express their emotions in, rather than making them feel belittled. If you struggle with this, think of one of the songs you loved as a teenager -it probably evoked huge emotions (it might still do).

🧠 It is a very natural part of transitioning from childhood > to adolescence > to adulthood to become more independent from our caregivers and to want to make our own decisions (or follow our friends, so we can fit in). It is important to give your children the opportunity to make their own decisions (help plan a weekend, choose what to wear) but also set boundaries. For practical advice on this, be sure to sign up to the waitinglist for the full guide to parenting preteens and teens below.

You can now get the ultimate guide to toddler and young kids brains for a reduced price (ebook only). Understand your children’s brains, build their resilience, and guide their social, emotional and cognitive development (while keeping yourself sane!)

Sign up to the teen-guide waitlist here: https://stan.store/PlayroomParenting