Brain-based parenting

Yesterday I spoke to a developmental neuroscientist who studied empathy, spent time in prisons studying sociopaths, and told me to read a book called, “Don’t shoot the dog!”, written by the behavioural biologist and dolphin trainer, Karen Pryor. What on earth does this all have to do with brain-based parenting?

It turns out this book is a must read for developmental and behavioural neuroscientists (translation - people who study children and animal behaviour) because it lays out the principles of positive reinforcement - the idea that to influence behaviour (like training a dolphin) we need to give rewards for good behaviour, NOT punish bad behaviour. We also need to examine our own behaviour and expectations, and understand what is developmentally (or biologically in the case of animals) appropriate.

What does the research say?

You may have heard about the brain's reward system, often linked to our cravings for everything from screen time to oreo cookies (seriously!). In both adults and children, the brain constantly weighs up potential gains, losses, and effort when making decisions. But did you know that children experience losses much more intensely than adults?

While both adults and children respond similarly to rewards, children’s brains react more strongly to losses. For example, when a child loses a toy or experiences a setback, their emotional reaction tends to be much bigger. This is because their brains are more sensitive to loss, activating regions linked to emotions rather than logic. Meanwhile, adults typically rely more on decision-making and problem-solving in response to loss.

Children are also more impacted by negative feedback, often responding emotionally in ways that might hinder their ability to learn or make good choices. This is why positive reinforcement works better than punishment, especially with younger kids. To be most effective, rewards should be immediate or given soon after the desired behavior, as toddlers have a limited sense of time.

What does this mean for my parenting?

🌟 Rewards are better than punishment. Positive reinforcement means making your children feel good and positive whenever they display a positive behaviour that you want them to repeat.

🎁 Do I need a bunch of toys as rewards? No. Positive reinforcement can be as simple as attention from you . As parents, we know (sometimes too well, how much our kids crave our attention). So just giving them lots of attention (hugs, high fives, praise) is reward enough. Whenever they do something positive, be very obvious and explicit about their behaviour.

🫵 Be specific. Kids brains are trying to learn and predict, they need specific information for what it is they did that brought about the reward. So just saying “well done”, “good job” isn’t specific enough. Try something like “that was so kind of you to share your sweets, you are so good at sharing, I am so proud of you”.

🧠 Negative reinforcement (punishment) is not as effective. Speak to people who work with the most difficult, behaviourally challenging (to a criminal extent) children, and they will tell you that positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement. It’s the oldest trick in the book- rewarding positive behaviour, causes people to seek more rewards and learn the positive impact of that behaviour on themselves and others.

Struggling with kids under 6? Constantly managing preteens and teenagers ever-changing moods and BIG BIG emotions?

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