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š Bullyingš š½āāļø
Brain-based parenting brought to you by Dr Michele Veldsman, Neuroscientist and mum of 2
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Bullying and empathy
Research shows empathy is a key part of bullying- a lack of empathy is associated with bullying-like behaviour as well as more bullying over time. Higher empathy is associated with defending those being bullied.
But, empathy itself has an affective and a cognitive component.
Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand someone elseās perspective and affective empathy is the ability to share and feel another personās feelings.
When viewed in this way, you can see that cognitive empathy might actually be higher in bullies as they have an awareness of how to hurt other peopleās feelings. High affective empathy might be more likely to result in defending behaviour, because actually feeling the negative emotion might be more motivating to stop it.
Can you teach empathy?
There seems to be a genetic component to empathy- affective empathy is more strongly associated with inheritance than cognitive empathy. But genes donāt explain everything, so environment also has an impact.
Anti-bullying programs that try to increase empathy have been shown to be effective.
You can encourage empathy by regularly discussing other peopleās perspectives and feelings. In stories and films, ask questions about why a character is feeling a certain way, or how they might react (see my post on emotional recognition here)
What does this mean for my parenting?
How to manage bullying behaviours
Identify what is bullying and what is not bullying. As parents, we are naturally defensive of our children, and want to protect them- but before you rush to label another child as a bully, practice empathy yourself and reflect on whether the behaviour is
āintentional behaviour that hurts someone else. It includes name-calling, hitting, pushing, spreading rumours, threatening or undermining someone.ā (NSPCC definition of bullying).
You can use the Anti-bullying alliances acronym STOP (Several Times On Purpose)
Because of a lack of developed empathy, children can tease and fall out and feel sensitive to what others have said, without it being a persistent form of bullying. Try to distinguish between these forms of behaviour. Listen and observe. Too often, we are quick to jump in without listening or getting the full picture.
What to do when it is bullying
Look for behavioral changes: If you notice a change in your child's behavior (problem sleeping, eating, faking illnesses), gently create time and space to ask them how things are going.
Stay calm and reassure: When your child talks about bullying, remain calm and reassure them that it's not their fault and that you will work together to resolve it.
Listen and record: Listen carefully to your child, pay attention to their body language, and record details of the incidents (what, where, with whom, duration, and impact).
Report incidents:
School bullying: Inform the school staff about what is happening and its impact on your child.
Encourage positive activities: Help your child participate in activities that boost their self-esteem and encourage friendships outside of school.
The antibullying alliance has excellent resources (listed below)
š„ New research in bullying
Dr Julia Badger (University of Oxford) has coined the term ācounter-connectionā to help teachers and parents describe behaviours (particularly in SEND settings) that are bullying-like but should not be termed ābullyingā. This important distinction
āCounter-connecting is a new term and new definition. For years I have spoken with teachers about a ātype of bullying thatās not really bullyingā. Now it has a name! Counter-connecting is when a child is trying to connect either with someone else, or their own emotions (for example self-regulation), but their uncertainty on how to do this results in someone else being negatively targeted. There is a victim, but no bully. Itās not bullying ā itās connecting gone wrong. But this still needs to be acknowledged and addressed.ā
You can read more about counter-connecting here
š Books we are loving
 *these recommendations arenāt sponsored or paid in anyway, just real things that are neuroscientist approved | The Alien in the Jam Factory seriesAges : Recommended for ages 6-9, my kids (4 and 7) both love the series, making it the perfect bedtime book for keeping them both happy What itās about: Scooter McLay, a boy with cerebral palsy, whose amazing hyper-creative brain sparks endless inventions that keep his parentsā Jam Factory buzzing with adventure. He meets a tiny alien called Fizzbee and they solve problems together with their clever inventions. Learning: The series gives children an insight into how some physical limitations can be overcome with lots of creativity and imagination. It teaches kids about creativity, curiosity and team work. The vocabularly is sufficiently challenging to keep them learning a wide range of new words. |
Resources
NSPCC: Bullying and cyberbullying advice for parents and carers to recognise the signs and keep kids safe
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