Brain-based parenting

Second only to “emotional regulation”, boundaries are probably one of the most over-used but poorly defined parenting/therapy terms used out there. But what are they? How do you make/enforce them and what do they have to do with the brain? Let’s dive into it…

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⛔️ What are boundaries?

Think of boundaries as the net around a trampoline. They provide structure and safety to allow your children to enjoy bouncing up and down without the threat of flying off and falling. They also allow you to relax and not worry about them launching themselves head-first into your neatly mowed lawn. Notice how the safety net is not a punishment for jumping around, it's there as a barrier to stop things getting out of hand.

Just like boundaries in real life, the safety net gives children a sense of security in a place where they are exploring what it’s like to flip, and bounce, and crash without getting hurt. It is predictable and consistent because it encircles the whole trampoline (assuming you keep it safely zipped up!)

🧠 What is going on from a brain perspective?

The core of brain-based parenting is understanding that children’s brains are developing, and making predictions about the world. Our brain’s are constantly making decisions, and to do that they need to understand rules in the world. As our children are new into the world, there is a lot of work to do to understand these rules (if I jump off the sofa like that, I hurt myself… if I touch something hot or sharp- it hurts). We want to make it as easy and safe as possible for children to learn these rules about the world.

We set boundaries to encourage independence and responsibility within the safe confines of established limits (just like the trampoline safety net). Clear and consistently enforced boundaries help children build respectful relationships with themselves and with others. The long-term impact of clear and well-enforced boundaries is improved self-regulation, better decision-making skills, and enhanced resilience.

What does this mean for my parenting?

• Be clear: your kids don’t stand a chance of keeping a boundary if they don’t know it exists. If it’s not obvious and a known rule in the house (“you can’t hit your brother”) you have to tell them in a way they understand. Just shouting “stop jumping on the sofa” isn’t a boundary. You need to give an understandable rule - “we don’t jump on the sofa because you could break the furniture or hurt yourself”. If you can’t keep the rule, I will come and take you off the sofa.

• Be consistent: Boundaries are most effective when they are predictable and reliably enforced. This is probably the most important (and most difficult) aspect. If something was unacceptable today, it should remain unacceptable tomorrow. Otherwise, it is difficult for your child’s brain to develop a consistent rule and pattern. Try to have other caregivers (like grandparents) on board with the boundary to help keep it consistent.

• Be confident: This one is tricky too. If you are arbitrarily making rules or doling out punishment, it is going to be very difficult to maintain consistent and enforced boundaries. Part of this is articulating what values are most important to you. Remember to lead with compassion. My favourite new phrase is “soft front; strong back”. You give your children the benefit of the doubt, be empathetic and compassionate (soft front), but have a strong and enforced boundary (strong back).

• Be realistic: Expectations, rules, and consequences must be tailored to your child's age and developmental level. For example, most children are not good at understanding consequences in the long-term, so threatening to remove something in the future or explaining why we do something for a long-term benefit is probably not going to work well.

• Be collaborative: include your children in creating rules and boundaries. This will help them 1) understand why the rule or boundary exists 2) learn how to set their own personal boundaries - both of which is very important for having healthy relationships and self-control later in life.

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