Rewards, motivation and entitlement

No one wants to be the parent with the nightmare child (think Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). For a lot of parents, there is something particularly anxiety-inducing about spoiled behaviour, because it seems so intuitively to be the result of a type of parenting that lacks boundaries, discipline and gratitude.

At the same time, many parents work tirelessly to provide the sort of childhood they wish they’d had, where either money wasn’t always a concern, or the constant pressure for achievement wasn’t ever present. Is it possible to raise children who remain motivated to achieve, without having to struggle? Can children who get the toys, the holidays, the savings pot… appreciate their privilege? Can children not forced into rigid homework schedules, and constant extracurriculars end up successful?

What is the end goal?

So you want your kids to be motivated to be successful and not spoiled? What does successful mean? Is it academic success? Happiness and fulfilment? Financial security (or even financial excess)?

Without actually knowing what it is we want our children to be motivated towards, it is hard to know whether we are spoiling them too much for them to have a chance to achieve it. I know it sounds facetious, but have you ever actually stopped to think what you are trying to set them up for?

The Common Cause Foundation has excellent resources on figuring out your values: https://commoncausefoundation.org/_resources/the-values-map/ 

What is motivation?

The neuroscience of motivation is very complex. If you were to believe the media, you might think everything is as addictive as cocaine and dopamine is holding you prisoner to all your worst vices.

In reality, motivation can be internally driven (intrinsic motivation) or externally driven (extrinsic motivation) and is effected by mood, learned associations, rewards, threats, life circumstances, instincts, interests and feedback. The key thing most parents are trying to avoid (without really knowing it), is what is termed the over-justification effect. This occurs when something that was already internally motivating (reading a good book) is externally rewarded (have a cookie if you read your book), and diminishes the internal motivation to do the activity (now I am only reading books to get cookies).

If children are rewarded for things that they are internally motivated to do, or if their rewards are inconsistent, or if they are rewarded for minimal effort, they are in danger of needing (or expecting) external rewards to drive their behaviour.

The way a child interprets a reward, whether it feels like a controller of their behaviour, or a recognition of their skill, is critical in determining its impact on their internal drive.

What does this mean for my parenting?

Toddlers

Children are internally motivated by exploration at this age- their brains want to discover and learn, and they do this highly effectively through play. They also find interaction with parents and caregivers highly rewarding - so being very responsive is itself highly rewarding (think about when you tickle and laugh together - how they just want more and more laughs and tickles)

Young children

As children develop, they need to learn motivation to approach and motivation to avoid. In some situations, this might be obvious, in others, they are looking to those around them to figure out what to do. For example, going to a party where they might be nervous and self-conscious could feel like it should be avoided, but if they are supported through it, it can end up being very rewarding. Likewise, parents strongly reacting to things like spiders, or creepy crawlies, will teach children to avoid those things.

Adolescents

In adolescence, motivation is heavily influenced by friends and peers. Social acceptance is incredibly rewarding. Adolescent brains are particularly primed for this, as they need to find their independent place in society, outside the family.

In my new Parenting Playlist, I cover different types of rewards and what to do (and not to do) to if you don’t want to be the parent with the spoiled kids!

Want more of this in a way that is easy to digest and gives you quick daily tips? My new expert parenting playlist has launched - 3 minutes and under to effective and intentional parenting

 https://parents.playroom-app.com/